From Splitsville to Lily Allen’s tell-all album, ethical non-monogamy has been having a bit of a PR crisis. Open relationships and swinging are often portrayed as messy, doomed, or a marriage on the brink of collapse. So when I sat down to watch The Invite—Olivia Wilde's new dinner-party comedy in which an ethically non-monogamous couple propositions their neighbours—I expected more of the same. I was wrong.
Without spoiling what happens, The Invite gives ENM the nuanced portrayal it rarely gets on screen. The story follows two couples whose dinner descends into arguments, flirtation and, eventually, a proposition. Yet, for once, the open couple (played by Penélope Cruz and Edward Norton) aren't the dysfunctional one. Instead, it's the supposedly "normal" monogamous pair (Olivia Wilde and Seth Rogen) whose relationship begins to unravel.
It doesn't suggest ethical non-monogamy is easier than monogamy, nor that one relationship model is inherently better than another. What it does do is resist the simplistic stereotypes that have dominated portrayals of open relationships for decades.
"For decades, open relationships have shown up on screen as a shorthand for chaos, imminent betrayal, or a marriage in crisis," explains Ruby Rare, Intimacy Expert at Feeld. "We rarely see them simply existing, how they're actually negotiated and experienced. It's refreshing to see The Invite, a glossy Hollywood production, flip this script, with the non-monogamous couple portrayed as having the healthier and happier relationship dynamic."
As someone who has dated people in open relationships, I know firsthand how often ethical non-monogamy is misunderstood. As open relationships, swinging, and polyamory become more visible, it feels more important than ever to move beyond sensationalism and ask what these relationships actually look like in practice.
So I spoke to four people living in ethical non-monogamy about the realities rarely shown on screen.
"People are not worried about sex—they're worried about what sex means"
Ben and Olivia have been together for two years. Ben is also married, and his wife and children have met Olivia, who also has a partner. "We operate a kitchen table style polyam where everyone knows each other and would hang out independently too," Ben explains.
He didn't grow up believing ethical non-monogamy was even an option. "I grew up in a very heteronormative culture, where the only exposure I can remember growing up was when my parents mentioned their coworkers had tried swinging and it had destroyed their marriages. Not exactly a glowing endorsement."
Like many people practising ethical non-monogamy, his understanding developed gradually rather than overnight. It was his wife's desire to explore her sexuality that first prompted them to reconsider what their relationship could look like, beginning with a threesome before eventually dating other people independently.
"I won't lie, there followed a period of unlearning, of understanding what each of our triggers and insecurities were," he says. "People are not worried about sex; they're worried about what sex means, about being abandoned, about not being loved. Monogamy or polyamory are not better or worse than each other, they are just different, but what polyamory does is force you to confront insecurities, to explore yourself and for your partner to do the same."
It's a perspective rarely reflected in mainstream storytelling. While films often treat non-monogamy as inherently dramatic, Ben describes something far less sensational: the ongoing work of communication, self-reflection and emotional honesty.
"Mainstream media tends to focus on it being an oddity, at the fringes of society, filled with strange, ugly queer people," he says. "There is also an obsession with ENM done wrong and failing… this does happen, but by people who were never ENM in the first place and just wanted to sleep around and didn't care if it hurt people."
That gap between lived experience and cultural representation is precisely what The Invite begins to challenge. Rather than presenting openness as evidence that a relationship is failing, it allows its characters the emotional complexity that monogamous couples have long been afforded on screen.
"Ethical non-monogamy isn't a band-aid"
Olivia came to ENM from a very different starting point: a long-term relationship in which she began to question whether exclusivity was her only option and a desire to explore her interest in women.
"I feared we'd have to break up if I wanted to do this," she says. Instead, her partner suggested an open relationship, something she hadn’t even considered possible."I was so relieved and grateful because I was deeply in love with them and didn't want to break up," she explains. "I had always been attracted to multiple people but had avoided exploring these connections for fear of hurting people. Now I had the opportunity… I dove into learning about how to do it conscientiously."
Like Ben, Olivia describes ethical non-monogamy not as the absence of commitment, but as a relationship structure that demands more intentional communication than many people realise. And while mainstream portrayals often frame open relationships as a last-ditch attempt to save something broken, she believes that's one of the biggest misconceptions.
"If you're considering opening things up, make sure you address relational problems before getting involved with other people. ENM is not a band-aid. Be as open and upfront as you can be."
She also challenges the idea that jealousy is inherently incompatible with non-monogamy: “Jealousy often comes from a place of fear; consider why you’re feeling it and what you need.” Rather than pretending jealousy doesn't exist, she says ethical non-monogamy has taught her to examine where those feelings come from instead of treating them as evidence that the relationship itself is failing.
And while ENM is often portrayed as emotionally volatile or unstable, she describes something more grounded. What’s missing from most depictions, she argues, is the “wonderful community that comes with being polyamorous as well.”
It's another aspect of ethical non-monogamy that The Invite hints at, but which popular culture has rarely been interested in exploring. Conflict makes for compelling cinema; healthy communication rarely does.
Redefining what commitment looks like
If Ben and Olivia arrived at ethical non-monogamy through existing relationships, Vic's experience began from a different place altogether. She was single when she first started dating someone who was also seeing other people. “It really didn't bother me. That felt refreshing and right for where I was,” she says. “I was getting to know this person with low pressure and without the relationship escalator ringing in my ear.”
For Vic, stepping outside the traditional expectation that every successful relationship should move through the same milestones allowed her to recognise patterns she'd previously struggled with.
"It set up the conditions to create a loving relationship that I have been in for the past six months. I struggled with losing myself in relationships and forgiving poor behaviour before. It was linked to a feeling of low self-worth."
What often gets lost in conversations about ENM, Vic suggests, is that it isn’t about replacing commitment, but redefining what commitment looks like. “My girlfriend and I have a very fulfilling sex life, but there are things I enjoy that she doesn't. She doesn't expect me to be fulfilled by one person, and I don't expect that either.”
Still, she is clear that intention matters. “For me, wanting to experience new things is such a normal part of life… I'm still a full human who needs to show up for people who are already in my life.”
Like many people practising ethical non-monogamy, Vic has encountered assumptions from people who know little about it. In her first polyamorous relationship, she told colleagues about her relationship, only for one to describe it as a "porn star relationship."
She believes media portrayals have helped reinforce those misunderstandings. "It's often sensationalised and misrepresents the power dynamics. Often, it is one person wanting it and the other acquiescing, or it's adding a third to an existing couple. Not everyone dates together in ENM. I date separately."
Why does popular culture still get ethical non-monogamy wrong?
Dylan* came to polyamory through a relationship with someone who was already practising ethical non-monogamy. Looking back, he believes that made the transition significantly easier than trying to open up an existing relationship.
"Polyamorous dating as a single person is much easier than trying to open up a previously closed relationship. The more variables you're dealing with at once, the more difficult it can be."
Across all these experiences, a pattern emerges: ENM is rarely about casual excess or emotional detachment, and yet, most depictions still fall back on familiar tropes. Dylan notes that many narratives are “written by people who have no personal experience of poly relationships,” which leads to predictable framing: “it being all about sex, rather than companionship” or a default “regular couple” structure where secondary partners are emotionally flattened out of the story.
What’s missing, in other words, is not drama, but accuracy. And as ENM becomes more visible in culture, from celebrity narratives to films like The Invite, the question is no longer whether it exists on screen, but whether it can be shown without being reduced. Ethical non-monogamy is certainly not the easy choice, but for many it’s the right one. It’s time we show healthy and committed polyamorous couples onscreen and stop reducing them to punchlines or plot twists. We need to start treating ENM as what it already is for many people: just another way of doing relationships, with all the complexity that implies.
*Names changed
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